What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 12:22
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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He resisted the act ,that day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I don,t even have a pension.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
How do you cope when your mother doesn't love you?
My life is so biszare .
She wouldn,t have been !
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
What was the worst spanking you ever got? Why did you get it, and how was it given to you?
Especially a lifetime of it.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She found it foreign!.
When she asked me how she looked .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
How can I use AI to create custom music to accompany my vocal song or poetry?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She was in good health!
Is a computer science degree worth it in 2024?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He knew the spot.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
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The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
So whats the point in blame.
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Can you share 100 facts about yourself?
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I think the readers, may guess!
Ive learnt so much.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But it wasn’t much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And i lived it daily.
So, i spoilt her more .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
(And it was in our own minds.)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Would this be the day?
Put me off passion for life!!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was very sick at this time too.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My family never makes their pension either.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I couldn’t, believe it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I never cut or harmed myself..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Who then, do I blame.?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
We all went to grammer schools
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One cannot live in the past .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Was to survive, this bastard.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was scared of men, in general
We were not on the streets..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She married twice! .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was seconnd youngest,
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
All the time i was locked up.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I waited trembling.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She loved him until the end.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I said to her
I was 9 years of age.
I will be 64.
I write beautiful poetry .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
What did i know ?
This is soul school!.
Comes on , in middle age.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i do to all so called friends.?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I have no regrets .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im still living with it.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But, we were locked up after school.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
It was going to be , some day.